Filler
by AniJen21
Summary: The Animorphs have a serious problem--the new threat they're facing isn't long enough to fill a whole book! How will they cope? I figured I'd try my hand at affectionate parody, but be honest in your reviews, if this sucks, say so.


The Animorphs all stood within Cassie's Barn. As usual, Tobias was up in the rafters, gazing out the window for any intruders, Ax was in Andalite form since Cassie's parents were conveniently not home, and everyone else was standing around being normal, yet war-hardened teenagers of indiscriminate age. Erek was also there. Yes, this problem was serious enough to involve Erek.

"I know we just did something both hilarious and terrifying, perhaps involving issues of animal and/or human rights, and were expecting a little break," Jake began, "but I had to call this meeting because Erek has discovered an incredibly dangerous danger that will affect all of us if we don't fix it now."

"Sounds dangerous," Rachel said. "Let's do it!"

"Calm down, Ax Crazy!" Marco yelled.

(Have I done something to merit a new epithet?) Ax asked.

"No, I was talking about Rachel."

(Is it common for humans to exchange names when presented with an incredibly dangerous danger?)

"Listen, everyone!" Erek interrupted. "We can have our fun, but I have to present the incredibly dangerous danger so the fun feels more like tension and less like filler."

"Go ahead," Jake allowed.

"The Yeerks have developed a super-computer program that can access judicial records and pick out humans who have committed crimes in the past," Erek said. "Murders, parking tickets, whatever. Using this program, they can summon the humans to court, where they have constructed a new entrance to the pool. Once the humans take care of their boring paperwork, the Yeerks lead them to the pool promising to expunge the crime from their record permanently."

"So what do we have to do?"

"Blow up the supercomputer," Erek said.

"Is that really it? We've done worse than that in the past," Rachel said. "I thought there was going to be a new single-digit Visser or something."

"That's not the problem," Erek continued. The Animorphs all quieted down and gazed at him seriously.

"Then what is?" Cassie asked.

"The incredibly dangerous danger is that it will only take thirty pages or so to destroy the supercomputer," Erek said. "You guys need to figure out how to fill 120 more pages with exciting, thought-provoking, funny, and heart-wrenching action."

(120 pages?) Tobias exclaimed. (I don't think we've done that much since Rachel got split in half!)

"This is impossible," Marco huffed, throwing himself on a bale of hay. "Fifty, sure. Even seventy, maybe. But how can we fill 120 pages? Can't this just be a shorter book?"

"You're forgetting the only thing more powerful than Yeerks, or Andalites, or Chee, or even the Ellimist and Crayak."

(And what is this power?) Ax asked.

"Scholastic publishing house. They won't cheat the font. They won't use heavier stock paper. There needs to be 150 pages, or else heads will roll."

The Animorphs all groaned collectively as Jake massaged his temples. "All right, we can do this. We need to brainstorm. We need a plan. How have we cheated in the past?"

"Well, whose book is this?" Marco asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Who's narrating? I mean, depending on that, we can fill between ten and forty pages. Cassie only gets ten, because she's boring and happy, and Tobias can easily stretch his whining into forty pages."

(Hey,) Tobias said weakly.

"I think this is something new," Erek admitted. "Something called 'third-person omniscient.'"

(What is this science?) Ax asked.

"It just means that no one gets a direct perspective."

(No, I mean, this supercomputer. How scientific is it? Is it Andalite-level science? Does it require a scientific deconstruction? Depending on its level of technological sophistication, I can stretch a solution into--)

"Half a page," Rachel scoffed. "You're not talkative enough. If you want to waste some pages, just go find some food you haven't tried yet."

"Has he tried popcorn?" Cassie asked.

"Yeah, we brought him to a movie, remember?"

"What about alcohol?" Marco asked. "That could be hilarious."

"It could be, but you have to remember, this is a book series geared at middle-school kids. Kids curious enough about alcohol to try it if it's mentioned in their favorite book series. We can't have the Bible Brigade denounce us, or else sales might suffer."

(I do not understand,) Ax admitted.

"But he eats cigarette butts! One beer can't hurt him too bad, right?"

"Where would you get it?" Erek asked.

"We could find some college kids to morph, walk into a liquor store where Ax drinks the beer and gets drunk, and of course he's a lightweight because he's an alien, and then, you know. Hilarity ensues."

"I mean, it's not too off-the-wall, Yeerks did go crazy over oatmeal, but I just don't think that's going to fly." Erek said.

"Besides, we can't morph sentient species, remember?" Cassie said.

"That!" Jake cried out suddenly. "Cassie could get all morally superior about something in the mission, and we could argue about it for a while! That was half of book 52, remember?"

(Is anything involving this supercomputer remotely sentient? Like is there an anthill in the way, or will some human-controllers die in the attack?) Tobias asked.

"No, the computer is run by Taxxons."

"Oh, well, no problem, then. It's okay for us to kill Taxxons because they look weird," Marco sighed. "Are you sure you don't have a problem destroying a supercomputer, Cassie?"

"I mean, is it artificially intelligent at all? Is there the remotest of possibilities that it could be self-aware?"

"I'm not sure," Erek admitted. "I doubt it, but it's possible."

"All right, we're getting somewhere," Jake said, with a satisfied smile. "That is at least seven pages or so of arguing about the nature of existence. What else can we do?"

"We can talk about pop cultural stuff that was already archaic years ago," Marco suggested.

"Yeah, like remember how you liked Nine Inch Nails? That was weird," Rachel said.

"How about internet memes? We could spend a hilarious scene recreating lolcats in morph!"

"I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself," Erek stopped him. "Those don't exist yet."

(Does the mission require us to get a new morph? I mean, it's not much, but there's always a problem when I have to acquire a new morph,) Tobias offered.

"The supercomputer is up in the mountains. Do you guys have mountain goats? I can't remember."

(According to Wikipedia, I got a mountain goat in "The Reunion.")

"What's Wikipedia?"

(Something that could have saved us a lot of time and pain on quick, dirty research,) Tobias sighed.

"Well, you know, whenever we're a few pages short, there's always an overly detailed morphing sequence," Cassie said. "We could do something with feathers or compound eyes."

"That's two pages, tops," Jake sighed. "I mean, that might be helpful if we do three or four morphs in quick succession."

"Like when Ax and I fell out of the Blade Ship when the Veleek attacked," Marco said.

"Whatever happened to that thing, anyway?" Rachel asked.

"We drowned it, remember?"

"That seems kind of stupid, I'm surprised it didn't wash up on shore or something, like the Sandman in Spider-Man 3," she said.

"You guys have to stop that! Spider-Man 3 hasn't come out yet!"

"Shh," Jake said, patting Erek on the arm. "I only stop tangents when the plot demands it."

"Oh, right," Erek whispered back.

"Who of us is having personal problems at home? Or, better yet," Rachel cried. "with each other?"

(I don't know how much longer you can try to convince me to be a human for good, Rachel,) Tobias sighed. (We've already spent like 200 pages arguing about it.)

(Perhaps I could continue to seek a way to avenge my brother and kill Visser Three,) Ax suggested. (As you may remember, it is my duty according to Andalite law. Or else, Tobias could finally inform me that my brother sired him.)

The Animorphs all burst out laughing. "Who in God's name would want to read that?" Rachel laughed. "No, I think it's more interesting to talk about an inter-racial couple in post-racial America. Now that Obama's president—"

"Obama's not president yet! That could work!" Erek said. "Angsty, pre-teen romance is much more compelling than blood oaths and life debts!"

"I could have a touching, heart-breaking scene with Tom," Jake suggested. "Or there could be another made-up morphing disease or allergy or caveat or something. Seriously, Ax, with all the problems morphing causes, you'd think it would have come with an instruction manual or first-aid kit or something."

(Andalite science is rather unrestrained,) he admitted. (As you recall, Andalite toys run on fusion energy.)

"I feel like we're off-track," Jake sighed. "All over the place."

"But that's okay, isn't it?" Erek said. "I mean, we're wasting pages just discussing how to waste pages."

"How very meta," Marco said.

"This series always was pretty genre-savvy," Rachel agreed.

(At my count, we have currently wasted ten of your pages,) Ax said.

"They're everyone's pages, Ax," Marco said.

"Not really. The font is really big. A page should be 250 words, I think we run about 150." Erek said.

"So you're saying destroying this supercomputer is only going to take 4,500 words?" Jake asked. "I've written final papers longer than that."

"Really?" Everyone asked.

"Well, no. We're supposed to be middle-school kids, but that gets kind of skewed sometimes."

"We are middle school kids," Marco said. "What do middle school kids do in their spare time?"

"Well, according to us, go to dances which seem to occur like every week, go to the mall without getting rides from our parents, play lots of video games, free unjustifiably imprisoned animals…"

(I did see a petting zoo off of I-5,) Tobias said.

"Tobias, are you thick? Don't mention the actual freeway, the Yeerks are going to figure out where we live!"

(Wait, do you all really still believe they don't know?) He asked. (A metropolitan area large enough for a local theme park, mall, skyscraper-laden downtown…not to mention the kinds of wild animals we've acquired. I mean, the fact that we live near wild dolphins and whales really only leaves like two or three options. Not to mention we never really needed to hide where we _live_ in the first place, considering the Yeerk Pool is in our home town and it seems to be the only one in the country.)

"Are you saying I have potentially avoided a rabid fanbase by obfuscating my last name for no good reason?" Marco asked.

(Well…yeah.)

"Goddamnit."

"Woah, woah! Language!" Erek cried.

"Oh, right. Sorry. A bunch of emotionally distraught war heroes who can't drink or swear. Very realistic."

"We laugh our pain away, Marco," Cassie said.

(Or eat,) Ax said.

"Or fight," Rachel said.

(Or whine.)

"I think that's the solution," Erek said suddenly. "Character development. 120 pages is not an obstacle, it's an opportunity. Sure, Tobias could angst some more, but make it original, okay? Ax, maybe you should talk a little bit more about how you want to avenge your brother. Or about your heartbreak over Estrid. Rachel, it would be really interesting to see how you handled your bloodthirsty nature before the war, maybe in a flashback. Marco, anytime you talk about your family is usually a gold-mine of character development. Jake, anything about your family as long as it doesn't involve any dead grandparents. Cassie…I don't know, I mean, I guess you could have a sweet, romantic moment with Jake. It kind of sucks being the only normal one sometimes, doesn't it?"

The Animorphs all looked at each other uncomfortably.

"We do that like, all the time, though," Marco said. "I think this should be fun, not serious."

"Maybe we should find out who this third-person narrator is," Rachel said dangerously. "You want to know what the real incredibly dangerous danger is? _Her._"

The narrator, unwilling to sacrifice herself in pursuit of a full book, decided to stop the story there.


End file.
